Harry, Logic, and ADHD
by Mihra-Attar
Summary: The Dursleys aren't horrible. Harry possessed Logic...ADHD...and an apprenticeship with Fred and George...sort of. Rated K for now M for later. HIATUS
1. Year 1

Yes, I know I should be working on The Enemy of My Father, but I'm having a -serious- case of writer's block. Therefore, this. This is inspired by SilverWolf7007.

Disclaimer: standard

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Petunia Dursley opened the door, looked down, and screamed. Her rather large husband ran down the stairs and peered over her shoulder. At their feet lay one Harry Potter, a note laying on his blanket-wrapped chest. Petunia bent shakily down, picked the note up, and the both of them read it, eyes slowly widening to the size of pancakes.

"Petunia, dear?" Vernon's voice shook. "What should we do?"

"Just what this note says, Vernon." The man was surprised to hear a note of malice in her voice. "We shall raise him as our son. Of course, this whole thing about attempting to squash his magic is ridiculous. No. We'll raise him, and send him to that _man_ as a demon." Vernon had to admit his wife was scaring him.

"But what about our Duddykins?" He asked, his voice almost whimpering.

"Oh, he'll help." Petunia picked the now-squalling child up. "You'll see."

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"Mister. You. Sit down!" The teacher stared at the unruly boy in round glasses who was sitting backwards on his desk, staring out the window, bouncing slightly.

"I am sir." He said cheekily.

"In your chair!" The teacher pulled the boy off the desk and plopped him into his chair. The child glared at him. He glared right back, then walked to the front of the classroom. Some of the students snickered.

"Good one Har." He heard the boy's cousin whisper.

"Thank you D." Was the reply.

"Pink's not really his color." A young girl mused. The teacher ran to his personal closet, unlocking it and opening the door to look in his mirror. His hair was pink...and sparkled.

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"Harry! Harry! You're letter's arrived!" Dudley ran down the hall, waving an envelope.

"Sweet!" Harry ripped it open and pulled the papers out, handing the packet for muggle parents to his uncle.

"Huh. Says they'll send someone to 'assist' you." Vernon said, reading over the papers he'd been handed. "And what's this about leaving our response out for their 'owl'?"

"They'll have one of their postal owls watching the house." Petunia called from the kitchen. "Come set the table Dudders."

"Yes mum." Dudley pretended to slouch, but he was happy to set the table. After all, if he set Harry would clear.

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A sharp-eyed witch arrived the next day to talk to the Dursleys and take Harry for his supplies. She introduced herself as Professor McGonagall, and was quite proper.

The two boys, red-haired twins with mischievous eyes, that Harry met in Diagon Alley were less proper. The Professor seemed to know them, and refused to leave Harry alone with them. Harry didn't mind, he got enough information without her leaving.

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_Hmm. What have we...oh, oh my. Yes, I see. Hmm._ The Sorting Hat mumbled into Harry's brain.

_Can you get on with it? Oh, and if I have a choice I'd like to be with the Weasley twins._ Harry rolled his eyes at the old thing on his head.

_Yes, yes. GRYFFINDOR!_ Harry took the hat off and trotted to sit in the space the twins opened between them.

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Harry didn't mind his dorm mates. Ron was a bit annoying what with his brother-envy. Dean was muggle-oriented, and might prove useful. Seamus was a bit uptight, and Neville was habitually clumsy. Harry decided he wanted to deal with Neville first. After all, the boy was really sweet, he just had self-esteem issues.

The first week of classes, or however much of it actually existed, was okay, and Harry had been invited to Hagrid's hut after potions on Friday, but then the class actually happened, and he realized he had something he had to do.

"Hey Neville, tell Hagrid I'll be down as soon as I can?" Harry had invited Neville to go with him, and the boy had sounded so happy. "I need to stay after a sec." The boy was so terrified of their professor that he just nodded.

Harry packed his bag and cauldron, then waited as the rest of the class filed out, not even the Slytherins lingering. When the door closed he watched Professor Snape look up, and catch sight of him.

"I believe I dismissed the class, Mister Potter." Professor Snape said tetchily.

"All due respect, sir." Harry used the words his uncle had taught him. "Do you have a problem with me?" He watched his Professor's face very carefully, and was rewarded with the slight widening of his eyes. The Slytherin wasn't going to give him much to work with, but he had his Aunt Petunia for that. "Because it feels like you're taking out a grudge on me, and it can't be against me because I know you loved my mum but hated my dad." He crossed his arms, but inside he was wondering if he was about to die. Then he realized he really didn't care.

"What do you know?" Professor Snape stalked forwards, glowering and doing his best to intimidate. Only problem was Harry could hear the shock and fear in his voice.

"Aunt Petunia forgave her sister, and raised me like a son. She also told me my father was a..." He screwed his eyes up, concentrating... "'rude, obnoxious, overbearing prat who had bad taste in friends', and she didn't like you either, but she liked Serious Black even less."

"Sirius." Apparently Harry had shocked his Professor into correcting the name of his worst enemy. "S-i-r-i-u-s."

"Whatever." Harry, confident that he wasn't about to be hexed into oblivion, turned and rummaged in his bag. "She also told me to give you this." He handed the man an envelope, then picked up his gear and walked out.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

_Harry,_

_With the understanding that he will put aside his Issues with your father, not that we blame him, and assist you in any way he can, we have disclosed the nature of your Condition to Severus Snape, your potions professor. He has agreed, though is unhappy about how much you remind him of James Potter, and we have made him your legal guardian in your world. _

_Now that that's over with, how have classes been? Are you making any friends? Do tell us all about school. And remember to send Dudley's letters to the house. We can't have owls flying about his school._

_Much love,_

_Auntie Petunia_

_**Hey Har,**_

_**What mum's saying is they told the bat-man about the A., and they made him an uncle for you. He said we couldn't call him 'Uncle' but he just makes angry-eyes when I do so it should be fine, just don't do it in class. I think he might kill you if you do. **_

_**Anyways, Hedwig's wicked-cool. Mum's glaring so I have to stop writing. Have fun with the bat-man and the old coot.**_

_**-D.**_

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"Looks like Longbottom dropped something." Draco Malfoy stood, Neville's remembrall in his hand, as Madame Hooch took Neville to the hospital wing.

"Give it here, Malfoy." Harry said, stepping forwards, an intense glare on his face.

"Or what?" Draco asked, his voice quavering a bit. After all, Harry was very good at glaring. He was also very good at changing the color of people's hair.

Crabbe snorted. Goyle joined him. The Gryffs cracked up, Seamus and Ron literally rolling on the ground.

"What?" Draco asked again, then, "fine, take it." He thrust the ball into Harry's hands.

"Too late." Harry replied, tossing the ball into his hood for safekeeping.

"What do you mean?" Draco asked, sounding like he wanted to run.

"Looks like you forgot something." Was all Harry would say, happy to watch Malfoy run around like a chicken with its head cut off until Hermione transfigured a mirror and he saw his hair, now a foggy red. Then he realized all of his hair was a foggy red.

After all, Harry had a history of turning hair different colors.

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Harry was bored. Harry decided it was time for everyone to wake up. It was 6am. On a Saturday.

"Harry?" Neville cracked an eye open. "Why are you sitting on me?"

"Wakey, wakey." Harry grinned.

"Okay, I'm awake." Neville knew by now not to argue. Harry's grin widened, and he got off his friend so he could wake Dean.

Dean was a little harder to wake up that Neville, but he too woke up, though with a groan of complaint when he saw the time.

Seamus tried to throw Harry off. Apparently the Dursleys had given Harry horseback riding lessons because he stuck to Seamus like a cowboy to a bucking bronco, like Victor Krum to a broom. He also dodged the punches thrown his way.

Finally, "geroff Harry, I'm up, I'm up," accompanied the disgusted look on Seamus' face. Then it was time to wake Ron.

"Harry, you're insane, you know that?" Seamus grumbled, pulling his robes on. Harry pouted.

"You are mate." Dean added, watching Harry sneak out. He shared a worried glance with the others, then waited. It didn't take long for Harry to return...Lee Jordan's tarantula in his hands. He put the spider carefully on Ron's face, and stepped back to watch.

"Harry? I don't know if this is a good idea." Neville said from the other side of the room.

"Of course it is!" Harry grinned, watching Ron's eyes flutter open...and freeze.

*&*^*&*

Minerva wasn't used to seeing all of her little lions at breakfast on a Saturday, yet when she walked into the Great Hall there they were, most grumbling and looking at their food with murderous glares. She walked the length curiously, trying to figure out what was going on. Many of the students seemed to be sending glares up at the rafters, so she looked up.

Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived, was crouched above the Slytherin table, a broom in his hand, his eyes locked on the Gryffs. He had a strange glint in his eyes, yet seemed to be afraid for his life.

"Mister Potter get down here this instant!" Minerva shouted, heart in her throat. The boy shook his head. "What do you mean shaking your head at me?" She was starting to get angry.

"Tell them they're not allowed to kill me." He called, his young voice high.

"What? No one's going to kill you!" Minerva started, but she was close enough to one Ronald Weasley to hear his response to her words.

"Don't be so sure." Ron muttered into his plate.

"Oh for heavens sake," Minerva swept her lions with a glare. "No one is allowed to kill Harry Potter." She made sure to catch the assent of each and every one, then turned her glare back to the boy in question. She didn't expect to see the grin and shrug as he happily flew down.

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"Honestly, it's no wonder she hasn't got any friends." Ron Weasley, prat extraordinaire, made Hermione cry. Harry ran after her, of course, and spent the next few hours in a girl's bathroom, finally convincing Hermione that she should ignore Ron and go to the Halloween feast. Then the troll came in. Hermione screamed, the echoes confusing it. Harry didn't wait. He'd had long practice dodging adults, and a troll is just a really big, really stupid adult.

Harry grabbed Hermione, counted the first swing, and just as it demolished the stalls he pulled the frantic, frozen Hermione around the troll and into the hall, slamming the door behind, and grinning when he saw the key.

"Hey, Hermione." He shook her. "Make a loud noise with your wand! She did so, still in shock, and it took less than a minute for Professors McGonagall, Snape, and Quirrell to arrive.

"Well I, _what_ are you two doing here?" He had her hands on her hips. "Why aren't you in the common room with the other students?"

"Ron made Hermione cry and I'd just convinced her to go to the feast when the troll came in." Harry said bluntly. "It's in the loo."

"You weren't at the feast?" McGonagall asked, looking between the two. Harry put his arm protectively around Hermione, and glared up at his Head of House.

"No, ma'am." Hermione gasped out, trying not to cry.

"Oh my." McGonagall gathered her dignity. "Well, I'm glad you two are alright. Now go straight to the Tower. The others are finishing the feast there." The two scampered off.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

Harry spent the time between Christmas and Finals trying to figure out why Dumbledore trusted Hagrid. About the time Dumbledore was summoned away he realized it was because he _wanted_ his secrets to get out, which means he wanted someone to try for the Stone.

So, of course, Hermione, Harry, and Neville traipsed to the 3rd floor, got past Fluffy, flamed the Devil's Snare, and stood in the key room.

"This is stupid." Harry said. "If you want to protect something don't leave the key to the door flying around. I mean, Fluffy's fine, but the trap door should have been locked too, and the plant should have been across the passage so that you land on stone and break a leg, then have to get past it. This is just getting dumb."

"Harry! Dumbledore wouldn't do something stupid! He obviously wants you to protect the stone!" Hermione said, scandalized.

"Of course." Harry grabbed a broom. "Because eleven-year-olds are supposed to protect the things their adults are too stupid to protect well."

In the chess room Harry snorted. "Help me out hey?" He said to the others. "_Wingardum Leviosa,_" he pointed his wand at the raised board. Hermione and Neville joined him, and the entire contraption flew over their heads. The ran under, still pointing their wands, and it slammed to the ground behind them.

The troll was, of course, out cold, and then there were the potions.

Hermione figured out which was which, which was a cool piece of logic.

"Obviously the bottles refill." Harry said. "Or the littlest one would be empty. So, I'll go forwards, you two go back. Then one of you comes forwards and the other goes back, then the last comes forwards, hey?"

And that's what they did. Soon enough all three were faced with Quirrell, but Harry was more interested in the mirror.

"So that's where Erised went!" Harry said, ignoring the turban'd man in favor of running to see the mirror. He looked in, but instead of his family he saw Dumbledore being sensible.

"Use the boy." A voice, a strange voice that made Hermione and Neville freeze, said.

"Boy, what do you see?" Quirrell asked.

"Dumbledore holding the key to a muggle safe-deposit box." Harry answered truthfully.

"The other boy!" Harry was thrown across the room and Neville was forced in front of the mirror.

"What do you see?"

"My...my parents! They're sane! They love me!" Neville collapsed.

"The girl then!" The voice was distinctly unhappy. Neville found himself next to Harry, who wrapped the crying boy in his arms.

"Well girl?" Hermione's face was suffused with joy.

"I've passed all my classes!" She glowed. "I'm top of the class!" And at that moment Dumbledore swept in.

"Harr...Hermione? Neville? What are you two doing here? Harry wasn't supposed to have anyone this far along!"

"Well I wouldn't if I wanted to protect the Stone. I just wanted to see how well it was protected so I didn't see why I should make them go back." Harry said absently, watching Quirrell. "Gonna take the turban off?"

Nobody really knew what happened after that, but everyone lived...except Quirrell. Not really sure how he died though.

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A/N: So. How insane am I? Really? Do tell me in a review.

Please?


	2. Dumbles Interlude

Apparently people enjoy my insanity. Therefore: To continue!

Disclaimer: standard. But I so claim this Petunia's reaction to Harry.

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Dumbledore wanted to talk to him. This was not good. He very much disliked these little talks. After all, the man was a manipulative old codger who wouldn't hesitate to use anything against you in the furtherance of his goals.

"Blood pop." He grumbled before wafting past the gargoyle and rising with the stairs.

"Ah, Severus, my dear boy," _deer boy more like_, "do come in. Lemon drop?"

_I wouldn't eat one of your potion-laced lemon drops if it were the last food on this earth. _"No, thank you sir. You wanted to speak to me?"

"Ah, yes." Dumbledore twinkled at him. "I was wondering, what are your thoughts on our young Mister Potter?"

"He's very like his father." _I do not want to be here. I really do not want to be here. _"Insufferable, rude, and his aunt had the audacity to make me his honorary uncle!" He shook his head in self-pity.

"Really? Is that wise of her, knowing of your regard for James?" Dumbledore plucked a lemon drop of his own.

"I asked her. She seemed to think I'd be good for the boy." He shrugged, trying not to roll his eyes.

"And what of his home life?" Dumbledore seemed tense, waiting. Most wouldn't have noticed, after all, robes are supposed to hide that sort of thing, but Severus wasn't a spy for nothing.

"Well, he's not spoiled, but he and his cousin seem to have paired up in a duo of Weasley-twin proportions." He sighed, trying not to remember that encounter. Whoopie cushions were bad enough, stupid muggle invention that they were, but ones filled with a foul smelling potion, obviously owled to the boy by one Harry Potter, that stained robes and smelled wretched, that was _stop thinking about it. Naked Dumbles...eew...no! That's worse! Neville Longbottom, think about Longbottom. Think about frightening Longbottom. That's better. _Severus got himself under control, careful to not let his thoughts onto his face.

"Wait, he hasn't been neglected?" Dumbledore sounded surprised.

"Not that I now of." He looked carefully at the Headmaster.

"He hasn't been tormented by his fat cousin?"

"No."

"Deprived of meals?"

"I do not believe so."

"Forced to do all the chores?"

"No, the boys share chores. They're actually rather good about it." Severus noticed a single tear slide down Dumbledore's face.

"But...how will I get him to trust me if he's had a good home life?" The man looked pathetic, like he'd lost the world. "I won't have the threat of sending him back to hold over him."

"Perhaps you'll have to use the merits of your personality." Severus said with a completely blank face, trying not to laugh at the Headmaster. After all, he'd sworn to protect Lilly's son, not the Light. If Harry went to the Dark Lord...and convinced him to stop cruciating his followers...Severus would follow.

"I...I don't know how." That was too much.

"I'm sorry Albus, but I can't help you. After all, I simply use intimidation." Severus rose and walked to the stairs, catching sight of the Headmaster's crumpled face as he closed the door and departed. It took a great deal of willpower to not whistle cheerily as he retreated to his lab.

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Reviews?


	3. Year 2 Part 1

Disclaimer: Standard.

Warning: I'm insane.

Note: There will probably be things missing. That will be fixed...somehow. Not that it matters. Coherency is _not_ the goal.

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"What is _that_?" Mrs. Mason screamed, whirling towards the door to the kitchen where a strange creature with gray skin, floppy ears, and a pointed nose was attempting to get Harry's attention.

"Good question." Vernon said, eying it warily. "Boys?" Harry and Dudley looked at each other, then Harry nodded imperceptibly.

"School project." Harry said, standing and walking over to it. "I was going for Yoda, but as you can see I still have some work to do." He picked the thing up by its dirty pillowcase and tucked it under his arm. It started protesting. "A _lot_ of work." He sighed the sigh of a suffering student and started towards his room.

"You mean to tell me that thing, is a robot?" Mr. Mason asked Dudley as Harry walked up the stairs.

"Yu-Yes sir." Dudley's pert reply was, in truth, a hastily covered 'yup', used quite often when lying. "Though...I think I should go help Harry with that. I kind of messed with the wiring so he couldn't turn it off. Sorry dad, mum!" Harry heard his cousin scarpering out of the room, and was inwardly pleased.

When both boys were behind the closed door of Harry's room they turned on the little creature.

"Who and what are you?" Harry asked, keeping his voice low.

"Dobby, sirs. Dobby the house-elf." The creature swept into a bow.

"Why are you here?" Dudley asked, crossing his arms. He and Harry had long practice getting information.

"I, it is hard to say." Dobby bumbled.

"No, you're making it hard. Speak or leave." Harry said.

"Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts." Dobby said after taking a breath.

"Why?" Dudley asked, his voice mildly menacing.

"Bad things are about to happen, terrible things." Dobby said. "Bad Dobby!" He picked up a lamp and started hitting his head. Before he could get a second hit in Dudley and Harry were on top of him, Harry grabbing the lamp, Dudley grabbing the house-elf's arms and twisting them behind his back. Harry crouched in front of him.

"I don't know who sent you, or why. I don't care. I don't care if you came on your own. If you try to stop me from going to Hogwarts I will be very unhappy. When I'm very unhappy strange things happen." Suddenly he looked above the elf's head at Dudley. "Remember that python D?"

"Yeah Har." Dudley grinned, his hands tightening on the elf's arms, making the creature whimper. "Make a snack out of this thing."

"Harry Potter can talk to snakes?" Dobby asked, and Harry could see in Dudley's eyes that the creature was shaking, could see terror in the Dobby's eyes.

"Dunno Dobby." Harry said, grinning. "I was just reminding D here about a snake that got out at the zoo last year." He wasn't giving away that little talent. He hadn't thought it was a big deal, hadn't actually thought about it at all, but the way the elf was responding told him he'd be asking Hermione about it really soon. "Question is, do you want to find out?" He put his face right in front of the elf's.

"Hey Har." Dudley freed a hand. "He's got something in his rag." He reached in, ignoring the elf's indignant squawk, and pulled out a pile of letters. "Huh. Looks like I owe you." He handed them over, and Harry's face got stormy. Dudley'd seen that expression before.

"Listen to me Dobby." Harry said, and even Dudley was afraid of the ice in his voice. "Stop whatever it is that you think you're doing. If you don't you'll regret it." He stood up, walking to his desk and pulling out a permanent marker. He made sure it still worked, then walked back. "Now. Take this message back to whoever sent you." He raised the marker to the elf's head where he wouldn't be able to see what he wrote, and scribed out _Harry Potter Was Here_ with a smiley face below it. Then he grinned because he knew no magic would get the marker out. He'd found that out the hard way.

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Harry spent a happy summer with the Dursleys. Aunt Petunia took him to Diagon Alley, and let Dudley join them, though she kept him close. They ran into the Weasleys there, and Gred and Forge managed to get a little alone time with Dudley and Harry to discuss pranks and psychological warfare, though the term itself didn't come up.

Flourish and Blotts was a madhouse. Harry had just started talking to Mrs. Weasley, Aunt Petunia happily chatting with the Grangers and less happily answering some of Mr. Weasley's questions, when the mad Lockhart person tried to get him to take a picture by grabbing him and hauling him away.

"Get your hands off me!" Harry immediately yelled, yanking away from the lunatic.

"Harry!" The man looked hurt and shocked, and Harry really didn't care. "Together you and I rate the front page."

"I don't want to be on the front page." Harry really didn't like this man, and he decided then and there that he wasn't going to bother buying his books. If he had to he'd ask Professor Snape to tutor him in Defense.

"But Harry! You're famous!" Wow, the blond man-bimbo really didn't get it. "If you're seen in a picture with me you'll be even more famous!"

"I'm famous for something I had no control over." Harry glared at the man, and felt much better when Dudley took a stance next to him. "I'm famous because my parents are dead and I'm not." He decided to use words he'd heard Professor Snape use. He admired Professor Snape and his use of sarcasm, irony, and occasionally satire. "Are you so deluded that you think I want this?" He gestured violently to his scar. "Does your pathetic desire for fame override common sense? In short: Are. You. Stupid?"

"Damn Har, where'd you learn those big words?" Harry heard Dudley mutter out of the corner of his mouth.

"Uncle Sev." Harry hissed back, grinning at the knowing look in his cousin's eye. When he was sure he had the right amount of attention he turned to the owner of the store, who was looking rather upset. "Excuse me sir, I need _The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Two_." He waited as the man collected the book, also grabbing the full Lockhart set. "No, not those. They're not worth the paper they're printed on." He paid for his book, and walked out with Dudley...straight into Draco Malfoy, though luckily after the door was closed.

"If it isn't Potter." Draco spat his name as though it were a curse.

"Malfoy." Harry said, then turned to the man, rather obviously Draco's father, he'd just noticed. "You must be Mister Malfoy then." Harry held out his hand, which was taken in a rather strong grip by the blond man with his snake cane. He didn't have to warn Dudley about talking as he'd filled the boy in on the Malfoys...and their old master.

"Mister Potter. I'm wondering." Significant pause. "Why was your name written on my house-elf?"

"He stole my letters and is trying to stop me from going to Hogwarts." Harry said plainly, watching Mr. Malfoy while he knew Dudley would be watching Draco.

"Really. Dobby!" The elf popped into existence, looked between Harry and his master, and made an audible 'eep' noise, and Mr. Malfoy released Harry's hand. "You are not to interfere with Mister Potter in any way Dobby, is this clear?" The elf made a nod of assent. "Go home." The elf disappeared with a crack. "Mister Potter, I do hope you will see fit to inform me if that creature disobeys my orders."

"Of course Mister Malfoy." Harry grinned. "Would you care to give your son similar orders? I don't really like having enemies."

"Potter." Draco sounded angry, but his forward momentum was stopped by the snake-head thrust into his gut.

"Draco, do try to get along." Mr. Malfoy said. "Even if Mister Potter has the distasteful tendency of associating with muggles."

"Well, Mister Malfoy, I didn't really have a choice." Harry grinned, knowing how much he was needling his rival and his rival's father. He also noticed the Weasleys gathering, the twins bracketing Dudley, Ron with Ginny just staring, and even Hermione and her parents watching carefully. "You know, after Voldemort killed my parents."

"You must be very brave to say his name...or very foolish." Mr. Malfoy had twitched. Harry knew he'd twitched. Not as badly as almost everyone else, but still.

"Well, I _am_ in Gryffindor." And suddenly it seemed that Harry forgot all about Mr. Malfoy. "Hey D, want ice cream?"

"You had to ask?" Dudley replied.

"Ron? 'Mione? Fred? George?" Harry looked at them, and they quickly agreed. "Draco?" To the shock of everyone Harry turned to the blond.

"What?" Draco, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Mr. Malfoy all asked at once.

"Sounds like a plan." Harry said, and grabbed Dudley with one hand, Draco with the other, and the rest with his eyes. Before anyone could say anything else he was halfway to the ice cream parlor.

"What do you think you're doing Potter?" Draco fought free of his grip.

"Getting ice cream." Harry replied, pouting at the blond for stopping them.

"And why do you think I'd want to join you?" Draco sneered.

"It's _ice cream_." Harry said as though that explained everything.

"Whatever." Draco started to huff away, and was stopped by the twins.

"Oh no Draco." The boys said, randomly alternating who was actually speaking so well that it sounded like one person. "You're not leaving us to deal with him pouting. He gets bloody awful when he doesn't get his way. No, you're just going to have to eat ice cream...with us."

"Noooooooooo!" Draco didn't yell, but he fought. Harry knew he wanted to stay though, so he smiled, and bought them all ice cream.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

"The barrier's sealed itself."

"Oy! What do you two think you're doing?"

"Sorry. Lost...lost control of the trolly." Pause. "Dobby."

"What?"

"Dobby. Malfoy's house-elf. He did this." Harry'd spent the last week of summer hols at The Burrow. "Let's go wait by the car."

"The car Harry!"

"No Ron."

"But mum and dad can apparate home."

"No Ron."

"Boys, why aren't you on the train?"

"The barrier closed itself Mrs. Weasley."

"Oh, well, we'll just owl Dumbledore then, and he'll figure out what to do. Harry, can we borrow Hedwig?"

"Sure Mrs. Weasley. Hold on." He pushed against the barrier. It let him through. He looked around and saw who he was looking for. "Mister Malfoy!"

"Mister Potter."

"I'm pretty sure Dobby closed the barrier on me and Ron."

"Right. We'll see about this." He was gone with a crack.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

"Malfoy, the next time I see your elf I'm going to kill him." Harry swung by the Slytherin table before seating himself with the Gryffs.

"So that's why you weren't on the train." Draco commented, having no idea how much he was giving away.

"Yeah. Just thought I'd warn you." Harry ran off to join his friends.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

"Even if Professor Sprout doesn't mind, I do." Harry turned his back on a fish-faced Lockhart during Herbology, didn't have his textbooks during Defense, and refused to engage the pixies, calmly sitting in his seat even as pandemonium broke out. Of course, after that incident, the final straw where he was concerned, he confronted Hermione about her teacher-crush.

"Hermione! He can't have done everything in his books."

"What? How can you say that?"

"Because he was Banishing Banshees at the same time that he was Wandering with Werewolves! Honestly, look up the dates!"

Do not let it be said that Harry Potter couldn't avoid Potions work to discredit his Defense teacher.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

The Halloween feast was nice. The whole red-paint-like-blood on the wall with Mrs. Norris hung up by her tail...not so much. Luckily no one accused Harry of doing it, after all, he'd been at the feast. Draco's comment about mudbloods wasn't appreciated though, so Harry narrowed his eyes.

"Take that back Malfoy."

"Make me Potter."

"Enjoy cheering for Gryffindor."

"...what?"

Harry really did enjoy changing the color of Malfoy's hair. He'd picked red and gold this time, red base with a gold lion. It was easy when he was angry after all.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

"Might I suggest one of my own students? Malfoy perhaps?"

Harry faced off with Draco.

"Scared Potter?"

"Not really. Mostly I'm wondering why they picked second-years. It's not like we have enough experience to demonstrate anything."

"Shut up and duel." Someone from the crowd shouted. Harry shrugged. They saluted, 'forgot' to bow, and took the requisite paces.

"One...two..."

"Tarantallegra!" Of...course.

"Rictusempra!"

"Disarm only!"

"Serpensortia!"

"Don't move Potter, I'll get rid of it."

"Allow me."

"Both of you stop!" Harry shouted. "_Shh_." He hissed quickly at the snake, who froze. He really hoped no one had noticed that. He'd asked Hermione about talking to snakes. Apparently it wasn't good. "You," he turned to Lockhart, "I wouldn't trust to be able to make a feather fly properly much less vanish a snake. Stop trying to impress people with how pathetic you are." He turned his back to the gaping fish, "and you didn't even give me a chance to take care of the snake on my own." He took a step towards the snake and picked it up. It was tense, but didn't bite him. "_Play nice."_ He hissed, his voice so soft only the snake could hear, before draping it around his neck. "I'd rather keep it." Everyone just stared at him.

"Oh. Expelliarmus!" Harry pointed at Draco, and he was happy to see the boy's wand fly out of his hand. He caught it, tossed it back, and turned again to face Lockhart.

"Now, I'm leaving. If someone else wants to start a dueling club, someone..." he glanced at Professor Snape, "competent?" A slight nod told him that was the proper word. "If someone competent wants to hold a dueling club I'll come back, but you have no clue what you're doing and I'm not wasting any more of my time." And with that he walked out.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

_Dear Aunt Petunia,_

_Still having issues with my DADA...whatever he is. He's not a Professor. You remember him right? Blond? Shiny teeth? No brains? Anyways, he started a dueling club, but we didn't know it was him until we were there. He made me duel Malfoy, younger, not the adult, and now I have a pet snake. You wouldn't actually be able to say his name, but he answers to Kiki, go figure. _

_Thanks for the cookies. I loved them, and so did my friends, and yes I gave one to Malfoy, but I owled it to him with a school owl so only he knows who it was from and not even his two 'boys' noticed he had it. He says they're good...'for a muggle'...but I don't think he really meant the last part, he just has to say it. _

_I may not come home for Christmas hols again. I like it here, and I have a lot of homework again. If I do come home I'll bring prezzies, otherwise tell Dud's Hedwig'll bring his chocolate, and a little surprise. _

_Oh, how's Brownie (why did you have to let Duds name him?) doing? Are you guys okay having an owl around when I'm not there? _

_Hope you like the Everblooming Orchid. _

_Love,_

_Harry_

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

"I do not believe you have petrified anyone Harry, but I would like to ask you if there's anything you'd like to tell me."

"Gyah! Stop twinkling at me!" Harry held up his hands as though warding off a demon, squinching his eyes shut. "What kind of anything?" He asked, peeking between his fingers.

"Oh, anything," grandfatherly pause, "unusual?"

"What, like hearing voices in the walls?" Kiki poked his head out from under Harry's robes.

"Yes, that could be something to tell me. Harry why do you have a snake in your robes?"

"Draco conjured him and I didn't let Professor Snape vanish him."

"Ah. About this voice?"

"Yeah. Kiki can hear it too."

"Can you understand...Kiki?"

"Maybe?"

"Are you a parslemouth Harry?"

"Gotta go!" Harry grabbed his bag and ran out, snickering in parseltonge.

"_So, anything besides lemon drop in those lemon drops?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Wonderful."_

"_Sarcasm?"_

"_Always."_

"_Rats?"_

"_No, you can't eat Scabbers."_

"_Sssssss!" _Harry sighed, knowing that one didn't always need words to understand being cursed out and pouted at.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

"Harry get off."

"Neville, would you be angry with me if I said hi to Slytherins?"

"No."

"So why is Ron?"

"Because Ron's a prat?"

"Oy!"

"What? It's true." Neville said a tad evilly.

"Why don't you like Slytherins, Ron?" Harry flipped over, not letting Neville up, so that he was facing Ron.

"They're slimy, snakey, Death Eaters!"

"No they're not!"

"Yes they are! No one from Slytherin could ever be good."

"What if I'd been in Slytherin?" Harry pouted.

"You weren't. No way you'd be a Slytherin! You're the boy-who-lived! You can't be bad."

"Okay, I'm joining Slytherin House!" Harry jumped off Neville, tore off his own robes, pulled on a set of Slytherin robes (and where did he get those?) and ran out. By the time the other Gryffindor second-year boys got to the Great Hall Harry was chatting animatedly with a rather put-out Blaise Zabini, sitting happily across from one Draco Malfoy, at the Slytherin table.

"Mister Potter, why aren't you at your table?" Professor McGonagall asked, walking over to him as the other Gryff boys listened in.

"I am!" Harry grinned at her. His grin was starting to reach Dumbledore-twinkle proportions on the shudder scale.

"Excuse me?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"I'm a Slytherin, see?" He pointed to his badge.

"Don't Professor." Draco said, looking pleadingly at her. "We've already tried." He shuddered as Harry took a large bite out of a chocolate croissant. "Everything. Flint even carried him over to the Gryffindor table."

"As you can see, it didn't work." Marcus Flint added, his own eyes shuttered.

"I see." Professor McGonagall said. "Well then Mister Potter, I will expect to see you in my class on time with your homework done, just like every other Slytherin." That _should_ have made him change his mind, after all his class hadn't actually been assigned the essay yet.

"You mean the essay on proper transfiguration of beetles to buttons and why it works better than buttons to beetles? Don't worry Professor, I wouldn't let you down." Harry tilted his head back to bare his teeth at her in a mockery of a grin. She didn't bother asking how he knew about that, she just fled, dignity wrapped around her like an extra cloak, to hide behind Severus. So, of course, he followed.

"Uncle Sev, Uncle Sev!" Harry said, not shouting, but not quiet. "Did you hear? I'm a Slytherin now!" Professor McGonagall watched him, smirking, as he raised a single, long-fingered hand to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Who made you angry this time?" Severus asked, making Professor McGonagall's eyes widen, as she'd expected sarcasm and perhaps a hex.

"Ron Weasley." Harry glared at the offending Gryffindor. "He said all Slytherins are evil and got angry at me for saying 'hi' to Malfoy and Crabbe and Goyle."

"Of course. Weasley!" Professor Snape yelled towards the eating, and staring, Gryffs. "Five points from Gryffindor for disruptive behavior!"

"Which Weasley?" The twins yelled back, rather confused, as they hadn't pulled a prank in a few days.

"Ron Weasley." Harry looked at Professor McGonagall as she answered the twins. He hadn't expected that. She turned to him. "Are you still a Slytherin, Mister Potter?"

"Yes ma'am." Harry said. "I'll see you in class!" He skipped off, to the horror of pretty much every Slytherin in the room and the amusement of one Albus Dumbledore.

*&*&*&*&^&*&*&*&*

Reviews? Please? ~Puppy eyes~ Pwetty pwease? Chewwy on top?


	4. Year 2 Part 2

Disclaimer: standard

Warning: insanity

Heh. It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, I ran across a case of writer's block, and now I've gotten this down, and I'm giving it to you.

Apologies in advance for any mistakes and inconsistencies.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

Neville, Harry, Hermione, and Seamus sat in a snow fort on the grounds the evening before Christmas hols were to start.

"So, Malfoy's really not the Heir?" Neville asked, methodically balling snow.

"Nope." Harry's own snowballs were much more scattered.

"And he would tell you if he was?" Seamus asked skeptically.

"Of course not. I asked Blaise. Draco can't be the Heir because he's not directly descended from the Slytherin male line. He's three times removed on a female line." Harry replied, glancing over the wall of their fort.

"Really?" Hermione perked up. "How does Blaise know?"

"His mother." Everyone's head snapped to look at Neville, who stared around at them with a little shock. "What? She knows everyone's lineage. It's how she knows which adult males...um. My gran talks about her sometimes." He blushed as he changed what he was about to say.

"Did Zabini have any idea who _is _of the proper lineage?" Hermione asked, taking her turn to peer over their wall. "Heads." They all ducked as a barrage of snowballs arced in. Harry and Seamus returned fire.

"Nope. He said he didn't know anyone. He was pretty annoyed about that too." Harry picked up two more balls and peeked out to throw them.

"Well, we'll figure it out eventually." Hermione said, sighing.

"Or we could let the adults deal with it." Harry replied, ducking cold, wet impacts.

"Or that." Neville put in. "I get that you want to know the whys and hows of everything Hermione, but we don't have to fix it."

"Oy! Can we focus?" Seamus yelled, and Harry, Hermione, and Neville got back to the fight with good humor.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

Harry saw the other Gryffindor second-years off...all of them...before sliding into the closest boy's bathroom and pulling his invisibility cloak on. When he'd taken classes with the Slytherins they'd refused to take him to the common room, and he was rather miffed. Therefore, he was going to fix the situation himself.

Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle were staying over the hols, and Harry caught them heading back to their Common from their own farewells. He tailed them long enough to find the entrance to Slytherin and learn the password, then slipped away, memorizing landmarks so he'd be able to find them again.

To make sure he had the directions right Harry tailed Slytherins five more times prior to Christmas night before he was satisfied with is knowledge. He also caught the password change from 'Serpens Vert' to 'Pure Blood'.

Harry woke at four on Christmas morning, and tore through his presents. When he got to the one from Dudley he grinned. He'd been begging his Uncle for a skateboard since he and D had learned to ride them, and Dudley had apparently convinced his dad to send one. Properly from Uncle Vernon was a set of colored inks and calligraphy nibs and pen from an art store, and while less elegant than quills the entire set would be longer lasting and more controlled. Aunt Petunia had sent cookies of many different sorts. Hermione, Neville, and Seamus had gotten him books. Fred and George had left a small selection of Zonkoes products. Katie, Angelina, and Alicia had left him candy. Oliver had, of course, written up training tips. This year there were no anonymous gifts, for which Harry was grateful.

Once he'd unwrapped his presents Harry pulled out his invisibility cloak and snuck down to the Slytherin dorms, skateboard under his arm.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

Draco was immaculately attired when he entered the common room after opening his presents. He woke up early on Christmas morning, around six-thirty, out of habit, and left the dorms after discovering the year's bounty. Normally he would lounge by the common room fire for the fifteen minutes between 6:45 and 7, then strut to the Great Hall, but this Christmas something was very, very wrong. In fact, Draco was quite sure he was still asleep, and that it wasn't Christmas morning at all, new charmed snake-ring (his favorite of this year's haul) non-withstanding.

"Potter." Draco stared at the tousled boy on _his_ couch.

"Hi Draco!" Harry waved happily, then went back to spinning the wheels of the thing on his lap.

"What are you doing here? How did you get in?" Draco was so shocked he didn't know how to feel.

"I was bored." Harry quipped. "So I decided to hang out with you guys."

"How did you get in?" Draco asked again, not even realizing that a _Malfoy_ had just repeated himself.

"Through the door." Harry suddenly jumped up, and grabbed Draco's wrist. "Come on." He ran towards the door, dragging a protesting Draco behind him.

"Potter where are we going?" Draco finally managed to pull himself free when they reached the stairs by the school's main entrance.

"Come _on_ Draco!" Harry pouted, giving Draco a puppy-dog look that made strange things stir in his stomach.

"Oh fine." Draco huffed up the stairs behind him, and was barely at the top when he heard a strange rattling noise. He looked towards it and saw Harry flying towards him on the strange plank he'd been holding. Draco yelled and ducked as the board lifted off the ground, sliding down the railing to land with what sounded like a crash on the floor below. Miraculously the board, Potter still attached, shot towards the doors of the Great Hall just as they opened.

Draco had no clue he could get down the stairs that fast, but moments later he was at the bottom, staring as Potter rode across the Gryffindor table, bounding off it an instant before food took his place.

"Come on Draco!" Somehow Harry was at his side, pulling him towards the Slytherin table.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

Severus Snape walked into the Great Hall, expecting it to be empty. After all, it was barely seven on Christmas morning. Surely all the boys and girls annoying enough to stay were either asleep or opening their obnoxious presents.

"What _is_ that thing?" Draco Malfoy's voice echoed in the nearly empty hall.

"A skateboard!" The chipper tones of Harry Potter shattered Severus' peaceful morning like a bludger shatters glass...and bones...and pretty much everything. He looked around, and saw Potter at the Slytherin table...again.

"A what?"

"A skateboard. It's a muggle toy."

"Mister Potter why are you not at your own table?" Severus had managed to sneak up behind the boys, except that only Draco jumped. That was disappointing.

"Because I'm bored." Potter's pert parlay made Severus shudder. There was no way that could be good.

"So we've heard." Draco said lifting his eyes to Severus' with pleading in them.

"Well I am." Harry protested, his voice whiny like a cheese grater. "There's nothing to do over the hols."

"So you had to ruin my morning by taking over my couch and then dragging me halfway across the school?" Draco snapped. It took a second for the actual words to sink in, but when they did Severus stared.

"Mister Malfoy, did you just allude to the fact that Mister Potter was in the Slytherin common room?" Severus asked, slamming his mask firmly in place.

"Yes sir." Draco said, his own mask finally appearing, as though seeing Severus' reminded his how to work.

"Wonderful. I'm glad you're all so open to inter-house relations." The chipper voice, twinkling in its own way, made the two Slytherins jump. Dumbledore. Severus' day was complete.

"Hi Professor Dumbledore!" Harry jumped up. "Can I have a lemon drop?"

"Of course Harry." Sugar was passed.

Severus was not going to think things couldn't get worse. Invariably they would.

*&*&*&^&*&*&*

Harry, Fred, and George sat in an unused classroom in the dungeons that Harry had found over the hols, sipping from nicked bottles of butterbeer and trading summer tales. When Harry was done explaining the final prank he'd pulled involving a rabbit, a mimbulus mimbeltonia, and Draco's bed they traded looks and turned back to him with identical grins.

"Well Harry. We know you've worked long and hard at becoming a prankster." The way they spoke one would start something, the other would step in, and occasionally they'd say the same thing at once. Harry could tell them apart of course, but trying to figure out who was talking at any given time wasn't worth it so he just listened. "Now you've proven yourself. It's time to induct you into our brotherhood, our order, our guild, league. Hey. League. Yes. League." They shared another look. "You have completed the induction prank." George got up and went to the door, letting himself out.

"Pay attention now Harry." Fred said. "You're about to be inducted into our League, and this is serious business." Before he could continue George was back, a strangely solemn Peeves behind him.

"We are here today to induct Harry Potter into the League of Mischief." Fred said, standing, Harry rising as well, looking around with hidden uncertainty.

"Has Harry Potter paid the price of entry?" Peeves asked. Harry smiled, suddenly remembering the ritual Fred and George had been teaching him. It was a very old rite used by secret societies of the past, but Peeves had resurrected it once when the marauders had entered Hogwarts, and again when Fred and George arrived.

"By my hand, entrance paid." Harry replied.

"Is Harry Potter prepared to enter the League?" George intoned.

"Steady my will, I am prepared." Harry spoke.

"Will Harry Potter be bound to the rules of the league?" Fred asked.

"That I will never loose my sense of humor. That I will prank in many and varied ways. That I will seek to cause no permanent harm with my pranks. That I will not avoid punishment if doing so will cause harm to others. That I will not stop a prank unless I feel that the prank will cause permanent harm. That I will not snitch on any member of the League unless they have caused permanent harm and refuse to reveal themselves. To these rules I am willingly bound." As Harry spoke golden and silver threads that seemed to be laughing had started dancing around him, and on the word 'bound' they wrapped him like a present and disappeared.

"Well, there you go." Fred said, grinning and clapping Harry on the back. "Now, let's scatter and cause mayhem!"

*&*&*&*&*&*

Harry stared at the ghost crying in the girl's bathroom with something between shock and terror. He, of course, ignored both feelings and put on a concerned face.

"What's wrong hun?" He asked in the same voice he used on the Gryff girls when he caught them crying.

"Somebody threw a book at me." The ghost wailed.

"Well that wasn't very nice." Harry said, walking over to her and patting her nonexistent back.

"I was just sitting in the u-bend thinking about death." The girl wailed again, glaring across the bathroom. Harry followed her gaze and saw a soggy, black-bound book.

"Do you want me to take it away so you can go back to thinking about death?" Harry asked, bringing a hand up to 'smooth' her 'hair'.

"Oh, would you?" The girl smiled.

"Of course." He walked over to the book and picked it up. "I'm Harry by the way."

"Myrtle." She replied.

"Enjoy thinking about death." Harry said cheerily, waving to her.

"Feel free to join me." She called back.

*&*&*&*&*&*

Harry kept the book in his room once he'd gotten it there. He quickly found that it was a blank diary from 50 years ago, once owned by a man-boy-person named Tom Marvolo Riddle. He showed it to Neville, telling the story of the book's bathroom break, but the two couldn't figure it out so they let it be.

*&*&*&*&*&*

Valentine's day would be unmentionable. The pink, the hearts, the _song_. On the other hand Harry got so irritated that after dinner he stormed to his dorm, pulled out his 'new' diary, and started to write.

_Dear Diary,_

_Bloody hell I hate Lockhart. How that idiot became DADA professor I'll never know. He can't even handle a cage of pixies! And the nerve! Valentines day! Cupids! Card-carrying Cupids! That song was so bloody...if I ever find out who sent it I'm going to hex them to pieces._

Harry stopped his rant as he noticed the letters fading away.

"What the?"

_Well. You're new. Might I know the name of the person who's come across my diary?_

Harry stared for a second.

_I think not. _Harry replied, closing the book before it could respond. He emptied his bag and re-filled it with his transfiguration textbook, ink, a quill-and-a-spare, and the diary stuffed into a sock, and, as an afterthought, his invisibility cloak. Somebody had been using that diary, and he had a feeling it was a very bad thing. He didn't want the person to see it.

Crossing the common room turned out to be more difficult that Harry had expected, as it was a half-hour to curfew, and the room was packed.

"Harry!" Neville called. "Where are you going?"

"Bathroom." Harry yelled back. "I'll be back in a few." After saying this he slipped out and headed first towards the nearest boy's bathroom. He made sure he wasn't followed, then darted down a staircase before heading for Professor Snape's office. He knocked on the door, and waited for the muffled 'enter' (preceeded by a groan) before pushing it open.

"Mister Potter." His honorary uncle fixed him with a glare. "I hope you realize it's almost curfew."

"Yes sir. This is important." Harry replied. Severus gave him an appraising look before nodding. He approached, and pulled the sock out of his bag. Before Severus could comment he pulled the diary out and handed it to him.

For a few minutes nothing was said, then, "Where did you get this?"

"Myrtle's bathroom." Harry shrugged, then grabbed it back from him, snatching his quill while he was at it. He opened the diary to the first page, and started to scrawl.

_Hello Diary._ They watched the words sink in.

_Hello again rude boy._ The diary wrote back. Harry snapped it shut.

"Thank you Harry." Severus said, rising and collecting the diary. "I'll take this to the Headmaster."

Harry nodded, and let himself be escorted to where the path to Gryffindor and the path to the Headmaster's office diverged, then ducked out of sight, swung the invisibility cloak onto his shoulders, and followed him.

Luckily nothing happened, and he soon disappeared up the spiral staircase.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Attention everyone." Dumbledore stood up at the end of breakfast to address the school. "The Heir has been neutralized. As a school treat all exams are canceled!"

There was a rousing cheer, except for Hermione, who looked crushed. As everyone started trickling out a looming presence made itself known to Harry, who was patting Hermione on the arm.

"Miss Granger stop pouting." Professor Snape growled. "If you persist I will have to assign you detention and make you take the second and third year final exams for Potions."

Hermione's pouting increased.

"Detention, Miss Granger."

Hermione grinned.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Well, how'd you do?" Harry asked as Hermione dragged herself into the common room at one in the morning.

"Well, I only got a hundred and five percent on the second year exam, and I almost _failed_ the third-year exam with seventy-nine percent." She flopped into a chair. "I'm glad it's Friday."

"Hermione, there's still three months left in the term!" Neville, who'd woken up at her entrance, groused, though he was truly more amused than anything.

"I _know_!" Hermione seemed frantic. "And there's so much I don't know!"

"We're not going to change her." Harry sighed. "So I'm going to bed. Night y'all!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the next three months a rash of pranks broke out. Hair and skin colors were changed, people tripped in safe places. Sticking charms were applied at the worst times. Occasionally something would disappear, often re-appearing in a friend or enemy's possession. Finally, the day after classes ended, the Big Prank was pulled. Sometime between dinner and breakfast the legs of the tables were cut, the benches inverted and transfigured into cushions. Only the Head Table was left alone, but a banner was hung behind it, loudly and violently proclaiming it '**The Table for Those Who Are Too Old to be Flexible'. **

In the spirit of the prank, as the school found out in the morning, the House Elves served mostly traditional Japanese dishes, and the only eating utensils were chopsticks.

Headmaster Dumbledore happily took his usual chair, as did Professors McGonagall, Flitwick, and Sprout.

Professor Snape, on the other hand, walked over to the Slytherin table to sink gracefully into a cross-legged pose that seemed second nature. In fact, he appeared much more at ease than many of the students, and wielded his chopsticks with grace.

When the Twins and Harry entered the Hall they looked around, noticed Severus, grinned, and joined him, causing mutterings and baleful glares from the Slytherins.

Then a wind of magic swept through the room, and the House banners changed. Slytherin became Hufflepuff, Gryffindor became Slytherin, Ravenclaw became Gryffindor, and Hufflepuff became Ravenclaw.

"Gyah!" Harry exclaimed suddenly, causing the Twins and Severus to stare at him as he twitched away from the Head table. "He's Twinkling again! Don't look at him!" He ducked behind Severus, who shot the Headmaster a glare. Dumbledore just looked concerned, staring at the boy that cowered away from his grandfatherly face.

Fred and George just snickered.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The day they all had to catch the Express was happy for many of the students. They were finally going to escape the Weasley Twins, Harry, and Peeves, not that they'd been caught of course, but everyone knew.

The ride to Kings Cross was a tense affair, everyone expecting some large prank. Nothing happened, nor did anything happen on the platform.

When Harry stepped through the barrier he was arm-in-arm with the twins, an innocent smile on his face. All three looked around, and caught sight of their mothers standing together, conversing with _looks_. Dudley was nearby, looking a tad awkward.

"Harry!" Dudley called. "Gred! Forge!"

"D!" The three called, moving off. Behind them Neville grinned and Hermione tutted.

"Hi mum, hi Missus Dursley." Fred and George called.

"Hi Aunt Petunia, hi Missus Weasley." Harry echoed before the four moved away to huddle in a corner, whispers passing between them like a single crow foreshadowing the appearance of a murder. (Murder, a poetic collective noun for a flock of crows)

"Tell you what, we'll just take the twins, and leave you some peace. The boys can have their ploting time, and you can get used to a full house without explosions added to the mix." Petunia's voice drifted across their part of the station. All four boys straightened and turned with happy faces that struggled to be stern and adult.

"We would be…" Fred began.

"…much obliged if…" George continued.

"…you would agree to…" Dudley put it.

"…this proposition, Missus Weasley." Harry ended.

Out of the corner of their eyes everyone saw Neville tugging his grandmother's sleeve, trying to pull her away. Hermione was staring with unconcealed horror. Percy looked hopefully at his mother, distinct pleading in his eyes. The twins were bad enough, but _four_ sentence-finishers?

"You're sure?" Mrs. Weasley asked, at once concerned and hopeful. "I wouldn't want to impose."

"Of course. Both boys' rooms are set up for sleep-overs. We'll just put the Twins with Harry, and Harry with Dudders. They end up crashing in each-others rooms so much as it is, I'm not certain they'll even notice." Petunia smiled, and it was a free look with no deceit or hesitation.

"If you're sure…" Mrs. Weasley was still hesitant.

"I'm sure." Petunia waved for the boys to grab their trunks.

"Sweet!" Fred and George exclaimed simultaneously, and all four boys ran to gather their trunks before either woman could change their mind. Petunia tossed Dudley the keys, and he led the other three to the car, unlocking the boot and puzzling out how to fit everyone's supplies in.

"It's a good thing dad couldn't come." Dudley said when they'd finally fit Harry's trunk in with the other three. "We'll put Hedwig in the front when we get in." He added, looking towards the entrance to Kings Cross where Petunia was walking towards them.

Less than a minute later they were all buckled up and settling for the ride to Surrey.


	5. A Sirius Interlude

So, my dear readers. Um...I lost everything. Absolutely everything I hadn't already uploaded is gone.

That means 29 of The Enemy of My Father, 16 of Blood for Children, the first version of this interlude, some of the chapter after this one, and 35 or so pages of a new fic I've been working on.

I will be a while updating.

~~*~~

A Sirius Interlude

This was a serious problem. Seriously, a serious problem. It was so serious that Sirius was sure it was his most serious problem ever, and being Sirius, all of his problems were Sirius problems, so that was saying something.

The rat was in Harry's dorm.

This was a serious problem, and it was very much Sirius' serious problem.

Escaping was easy enough.

Almost drowning was unpleasant.

Walking, as a dog, all the way to Surrey to check on Harry was exhausting.

Sniffing around 4 Privet Drive, Sirius' nose brushed a coil of rope...


	6. Year 3 Part 1

A/N: This is much longer than my usual fare, so no complainy about the time between posting...please? ~puppy eyes~ Pretty please? With Voldemort wearing a neon pink dress in a field of neon green and yellow flowers on top? With light pink streamers? Doing a dance? In a circle of pink, floral-pattern robed Death Eaters? With lemon drop decorated lampshades on their heads?

On with the insanity!...~chough~ I mean story! On with the insanitory! ...right. ONWARDS!

°~~*~~*~~*~~°

Harry, Dudley, BOYS, 'no, just mine', Fred, George, Gred, Forge, 'no, just the Weasley twins', and 'ALL OF YOU IN HERE NOW' spent the first two weeks of summer in fierce planning mode. They had much to catch each other up on, many pranks to plan, and a great deal less time than they needed, and so they worked.

Dudley, who had joined both the rugby and boxing teams at Smeltings, made all of them wake up ridiculously early to work out with him, teasing and taunting until they kept up just to shut him up. Of course, the wizarding world was so much more lax about physical fitness, even for its quidditch players, that Harry, Fred, and George all had trouble at first anyways. When they realized how out of shape they were compared to Dudley, who quite enjoyed his food, and was a bit on the large side, they stopped complaining.

After their workout all four would take quick showers before thundering into the kitchen for breakfast. By then both Petunia and Vernon were awake, and the six ate together before Vernon left for work.

Following breakfast was chores, which Petunia insisted everyone help with, rotating each of them through the different jobs. When Fred and George complained on the first day Petunia calmly informed them that their mother had offered to pay for them to stay over, citing the mess they tended to make, and Petunia insisted they earn their keep. They didn't complain after that, and within five days had been overheard commenting that they'd never take their mum for granted again, knowing how much work she had, even with magic.

By the third day Harry had pulled a Hermione and insisted they all do their summer work after chores and before lunch, which was never shorter than an hour and usually around two. When Dudley happily agreed the Twins wondered what conspiracy they'd been caught in.

Lunch was always foods that required no cooking. Often they had sandwiches, sometimes a soup that was supposed to be eaten cold, other times Petunia would take them out for smoothies or something similar. With all four boys working the cleanup barely took any time, and they were released to "go do whatever, but if you blow up my house I will send the Twins and Harry to a muggle zoo and Dudley to a pureblood's menagerie, so just keep that in mind."

Tea was served wherever the boys happened to be at three-forty-five, and was always accompanied by an admonishment to "keep the crumbs out of the carpet or you'll be cleaning in the afternoon too!" A rather large tray of scarfed snacks later the boys got back to work, books strewn about, more pads of paper with notes than there were boys, and both mutters and shouts interrupting the almost-silence of page-turning and pencil-scratching.

Vernon would arrive home at six-thirty, give or take depending on traffic and his boss, and the closing of the front door signaled a stampede from upstairs as the boys hurried to set the table while Vernon changed and Petunia finished preparing dinner. When everyone was sitting and served there were always a few minutes of silence as the six of them took the edge off their hunger before conversation started. Vernon would talk about work, the boys would gabble about how their planning was coming along, and Petunia would gossip about the neighbors.

After dinner the boys would clear the table and wash the dishes, though they were allowed to leave the rest for Petunia, before running back upstairs to clean up whatever mess they'd left, filing all their notes and books carefully, which, surprisingly enough, had started at the Twin's insistence. When everything was filed away for the night they'd disperse, Dudley to watch the telly, Harry to do his own research, and the Twins to do whatever it was that they didn't want anyone else privy to.

The only change in their schedule was the weekend. On those days Vernon would be home, and therefore have lunch with them, sometimes taking them out for ice cream or some other treat. On Sunday Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley went to church while Harry and the Twins wandered the neighborhood or some other such innanity.

It was on one of those weekend days, the second Saturday of vacation, that there was a knock on the door at around ten in the morning. The boys, already working on their homework, looked up while Vernon answered the door.

"Who're you?" Vernon snapped at whoever was on the other side. Dudley and the Twins looked at each other, wondering why he was being so rude, but Harry perked up. His Uncle was never rude unless the other person looked or acted 'abnormal' (and he wasn't expecting it, of course).

"Oh, um, I'm Evan Patterson. I'm, ah, here to see Mr. Harry Potter." Harry shook his head even as he jumped to his feet and sprinted for the entry.

"And why do you want to see him?" Vernon asked, and Harry could practically hear his eyes narrowing. His relatives had needed to fend off a few wizards when he was younger, and they got very protective when they weren't sure what someone intended towards either Harry or Dudley.

"Lemme handle this Uncle." Harry said, skidding to a stop by the front door and laying a hand on his uncle's elbow as he ducked under it to peer out at the wizard on the front porch. The man was very much a wizard, dressed in slacks and a blazer with absolutely nothing underneath them, and if Harry wasn't mistaken his 'dress shoes' were made of dragonhide. Luckily he probably didn't look too strange from the back.

"You wanted to speak to me?" Harry asked the man.

"Yes, Mr. Potter." The man nodded. "I've been sent from the Ministry to assess your request for variances on using magic outside of school and in front of specified muggles."

"Ah, good, please come in." Harry nudged his uncle back as he opened the door wider. The man stepped inside, and Harry led him to the dining room as Vernon closed the door.

"You requested a variance, citing the need to assist your aunt with keeping the house clean as well as the need to hone some of your first and second year spells so that you do not fall behind, is this correct?" Mr. Patterson asked after sitting down and pulling out a parchment.

"Yes, sir." Harry said, watching the man.

"The house doesn't look like it needs cleaning." Mr. Patterson observed, looking at the spotless room.

"Yes, well, you came less than fifteen minutes after we finished cleaning. There are currently four boys living here, and they're a bit messy at the best of times." Petunia stepped into the room from the kitchen, a dish towel in her hands.

"Four? I was told there were only two boys living here." The man looked at her in alarm.

"Aunt Petunia's letting the Weasley Twins stay over so Mrs. Weasley can get a bit of a break." Harry grinned. "Speaking of which, I know I can't get a variance on the cleaning spells unless I can prove I won't mess them up or have a teacher. I'd like to hire Mrs. Weasley to teach me the household spells I'd be able to handle at my level, and again next summer, etcetera."

"_You_'d like to hire Mrs. Weasley?" Mr. Patterson asked.

"Well, yeah. I mean, it's what my school fund is for anyways." Harry smirked at the man, then decided to take a calculated risk. "Besides, I don't think Aunt Petunia would let me learn all the spells I wanted, like a hair-washing spell for next time I see Professor Snape."

Mr. Patterson stared at Harry for almost a full minute, then burst into a full-bellied laugh. "Alright, Mr. Potter." He shook his head, controlling his chuckles. "I'm sure you're aware that variances are frequent, though usually in all-magic families. I will assume for now that the only muggles who will witness any magic will be your aunt, uncle, and cousin, and that you are aware that any other muggles present when you perform a spell will trigger an alert. Would you like a household variance for your guests? It will have to be limited to spells taught at Hogwarts at or below each guest's level."

"That would be wonderful, Mr. Patterson." Harry said, trying not to laugh at Petunia's slightly alarmed look. "Can we have a household variance on the cleaning charms as well?"

"Of course." Mr. Patterson pulled four scrolls out of some pocket or other, and he signed them before passing them to Harry, who stood as the senior magical member of the household, who passed them to Petunia who signed as a guardian. Then Mr. Patterson left, and Harry yelled for Fred and George.

°~~*~~*~~°

Mrs. Weasley arrived bright and early the next morning, Ron, Ginny, and Percy in tow. As Harry had gotten a household variance she added all her children to the lessons. Harry could tell she was surprised by the Twin's serious air as they learned, and nudged his aunt the first chance he got.

"I'm surprised they haven't blown something up yet." Harry heard Mrs. Weasley whisper as he practiced a dusting charm a few minutes later.

"Oh, they're good boys. They just need a little less order and oversight than most." Aunt Petunia whispered back.

"I'm surprised they're not goofing off." Mrs. Weasley's voice held a little concern, as though she was worried some form of plot was in the works.

"Oh, I figured they should see how much work you have at home, so I have them doing some chores with my boys in the mornings. Nothing big, but we did say they'd earn their keep. They seemed to have no concept of how much work a house requires, much less one with children in it." Aunt Petunia sounded smug.

"I don't know..." So _that_ was why the Weasley kids were so childish. Harry shook his head. The way Mrs. Weasley was talking she did all the chores in the house, never mind that she had more kids than she could keep track of.

"Oh dear, please tell me the kids have chores." Aunt Petunia said, pulling Mrs. Weasley a little further away from the still-working kids. Still, Harry didn't have to strain much to listen in.

"Well, they're to keep their rooms clean and such, but I don't know..." Harry turned his attention back to his spellwork, as his aunt had sent him a reproving look.

°~~*~~*~~°

Mrs. Weasley returned every other morning for the next few weeks. At the end of the Twin's second week there Mrs. Weasley forced them to return to the Burrow, though they still returned every morning for lessons. Of course, the next lesson after they left Percy begged to either send them back or let him stay with the Dursleys, so he and Ron ended up staying over, Ron in Harry's room and Percy in the guest room.

Petunia and Vernon both took a liking to Percy, though they and Dudley all expressed indifference towards Ron. As such the Twins and Percy ended up trading off who stayed at the Dursley's, and that was how things stood when Arthur won the Thousand Galleon Draw.

Harry didn't want to know what kind of arguing took place. All he knew was that Fred, George, and Percy all showed up one night with Aunt Petunia, and informed Harry, Dudley, and Vernon that they'd be staying till the end of summer.

Two days later their Hogwarts letters came, along with a Head Boy badge for Percy, and when asked about school shopping Fred, George, and Percy explained that they'd convinced their parents not only to let them stay, but to give them the money that would have been spent on the trip.

Dudley's birthday came, and with it Aunt Marge, though she only stayed for the party, as there wasn't enough room for her. Everyone was relieved when she left, and Vernon and Petunia agreed that part of Dudley's present would be freer reign of Diagon Alley during Harry's.

On the 31st of July they met up with Neville in Diagon Alley, and had a small party-cum-school-shopping extravaganza. After lunch at the Leaky Cauldron, and ice cream at Fortescues they split up.

Though they had enough money to get new books, Fred and George still got them at the used bookstore while Percy got himself a new set of robes. Harry, too, needed new robes, and accompanied Percy to Madame Malkins while Dudley went with Fred and George, and Neville went to Flourish and Blotts with his grandmother. When he and Percy met up with the others at the bookstore they were surprised to see their schoolbooks already picked out next to three piles of other books.

"Perce, check those." George pointed to the smallest pile. "Har, help us look through these." The two shrugged at each other, and sat on the floor by the other three boys.

"Where did you find this?" Percy held up a book a few minutes later.

"Behind a stack of other books." Fred grinned. "Dudley found it, actually."

"Thank you, Dudley." Percy smiled, and Harry caught Dudley smiling back. He was glad Percy and Dudley got along so well. Percy really, really didn't fit with his family, and Dudley knew what it was like to be the odd one out, though not to the extent that Percy did. As well, both were quite driven, and they'd somehow managed to click. Smiling to himself, he went back to figuring out which books would actually be useful for pranks and such.

They finished the day at the Leaky Cauldron again, Harry and Neville opening the modest gifts given by their friends and family. Somehow both felt that it was one of their better birthdays, full of laughter and fun, but still with a purpose and friends.

°~~*~~*~~°

"Hey, Harry, what about this?" Dudley handed a book over, pointing out one of the spells. "It's in your level limit, and it might actually be practical." Harry looked at the spell.

"Presa corda?" Harry looked at the text. "I assume you mean the 'di stregone' modifier?" He handed the book to the Twins.

"Yeah, with Black on the loose this might be very useful." Fred grinned down at the book.

"I wonder why they only teach us spells in latin if there's so many in other languages?" George mused, staring down at the book.

"Dope, do you know how old that thing is?" Dudley asked. "I checked, it's so old there's no date on it. Of course not everyone's going to use latin."

"Yeah, but italian? It's based in latin, isn't it?" George pressed.

"So? Doesn't make sense to only use one language, besides, if what I've read about the theory is right then it's intent more than words that matter, it's just that constant use of specific words made pathways in the magic...or something." Dudley shrugged. "So, think you guys can do it?"

"We can try." Harry said, grinning. The Twins grinned back, and they set about enchanting ropes from the basement. When they'd proven the ropes to be effective they scattered them around the property and went on with their prank planning.

A few days later the household woke to the sound of a dog in distress. The Twins, Harry, and Dudley went to investigate while Petunia cooked breakfast. Outside they found a large black dog rather thoroughly bound by their wizard-catching rope.

"Um...didn't we test that?" Harry asked, watching the dog warily.

"Yeah." George said.

"It's pretty thin." Fred noted.

"Looks like a padfoot." Dudley mused.

"Padfoot?" The other three's heads snapped towards Dudley.

"You know, ghost dog?" Dudley said, eyeing them warily.

"Padfoot?" Harry looked to the twins.

"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs!" All three of them said.

"Wizard-catching rope." Fred.

"Dog." George said.

"Animagus!" Harry inserted himself into their Twinspeak.

"Marauder!" Both Twins said.

"It's nice to meet you Mr. Padfoot." Fred stepped forwards.

"But, um, what are you doing snooping around Harry's home?" George continued.

"You know, why don't we take fluffles here inside and send mum to get her nails done or something." Dudley suggested.

Petunia was suspicious, but let the children convince her to get a mani-pedi while they "did things for which she required plausible deniability." Then they sat in the living room, Percy on the couch while Harry, Dudley, Fred, and George surrounded the dog so that it had no escape, looking at it expectantly.

A moment later Sirius Black was sitting in their living room, staring at the wands pointed at his chest.

"You can't do magic over the summer." He rasped.

"Variance." Harry growled. "You have five minutes to explain why I shouldn't call the aurors."

"Har, why are you giving him any time?" Dudley asked.

"Because I feel like something's not right." Harry said. "Five minutes." He looked at the escaped convict. "Start now."

The man stared at him for a minute, as though he wasn't sure what to think on more levels than he knew existed. Then he started to talk, explaining about the Secret Keeper fiasco, going after Pettegrew, and why he'd escaped from Azkaban. Eventually he trailed off with a shrug. "So that's the story." He looked at the five boys in the room.

"Surely you can't be serious!" Percy snapped from the couch, crossing his arms. "Harry, you can't be thinking of listening to him, he's obviously mad!"

"I am Sirius!" Sirius snapped, then turned quite petulant. "And _don't_ call me Shirley!"

The twins were the first to crack up. Harry would have been, but he was making sure Percy didn't have a stroke or something. The poor boy looked like he was going to explode.

"Hey Percy?" Harry said suddenly, catching the alternately gaping and fuming boy's attention. "Why don't you ask to be re-sorted? I know you had to have told the Hat to put you in Gryffindor. You'd have made a much better Ravenclaw or Slytherin." He knew it was random, but he wanted to get the boy onto another topic, at least for a little while.

"Re-Sort the Head Boy?" Percy's voice held all the answer Harry needed.

"Sure, why not?" Of course, that didn't mean he was going to listen to it.

"Right, back to Sirius Black being innocent, in your house, a marauder, and an animagus." Fred and George said in their twinly way.

"Oh, hey, can we see if Dumbledore'll let me bring a guard dog to 'protect me from the threat of Sirius Black'?" Harry asked.

Percy looked at him like he was insane.

Fred and George cracked up.

Dudley went to grab some parchment, ink, and a quill from Harry's trunk. He returned quickly, and handed the items to Harry with a grin. "Let's find out."

"Should we not at least ask your parents if you can keep him?" Percy asked Dudley.

"Well, yeah, if he's gonna stay here, but for Hogwarts he can join Harry after if they say no, so it doesn't matter." Dudley said. "Besides, this is the best prank ever. We're pranking the entire wizarding world!"

°~~*~~*~~°

They had just sent the letter off when Petunia got home. Her scream made Harry very glad Percy had helped them put permanent silencing charms on the house. Still, he and Dudley ended up having to step between her and Sirius before she used the cast iron wok she'd immediately grabbed to bash his head in with. This necessitated another round of explanations followed by a tense silence.

"So, let me get this straight. You're innocent, Ronald's rat is the real betrayer, and my children have decided that you're going to be Harry's guard dog to protect him from yourself but actually from Peter and anyone else who wants to kill him." Petunia deadpanned when she'd finally stopped staring at Sirius with distaste. She'd already gone off about how Sirius looked more insane than sane, and had been surprised that the man had agreed wholeheartedly. His explanation of "Dementors do that" had been the only one she'd needed.

"Yes." Sirius said, and everyone could tell he was fighting to stay calm.

"And you can swear however you wizards do so that you won't harm my nephew or anyone he cares about and follow his commands as long as they are reasonable?" Petunia pushed.

"Yes." Sirius didn't hesitate, and the others were surprised to see a strand of magic flash between him and Petunia, though neither adult acknowledged it.

"Right. First, you're showering. Then I'm getting your measure and picking up some decent clothes. I'll swing by Vernon's office on the way back and warn him. You're to stay as a dog unless you're needed as a human for some reason, and you'd better act like a dog. A _housetrained, obedient _dog." Petunia glared at Sirius, who had the guts to cringe.

Sirius showered, and everyone could tell he was much happier for it. Petunia had, of course, immediately taken his clothes and burned them in the barbecue pit, giving him only an old pair of Vernon's briefs to cover himself before barging in and taking a number of measurements, only releasing him once he'd changed into dog form and she'd measured his neck.

With Petunia out Harry, Dudley, Gred, and Forge forced Percy into an unbreakable vow of secrecy. George had suggested it, and Dudley seconded, and though Percy was unhappy he didn't fight it, knowing the other option was to have an unstable adult attempt to obliviate him with someone else's wand.

After the Vow Percy retreated to the guest room, and the other five, Sirius in dog form, went to Dudley's. Unfortunately they realized something when they got there: Four boys made the room crowded. Four boys and a very large dog was too much.

"Right, we need to knock down the wall between your two rooms." Fred said, George nodding in agreement.

"It's not like you need two anyways." George added.

"We'll have to ask Vernon." Harry replied, grabbing the pranking notes he'd been working on that morning. "Let's go take over the living room." The others quickly grabbed their own notes and trampled back downstairs.

They worked for another two hours before Vernon and Petunia got home.

"Boys, close the curtains." Vernon growled as soon as the front door closed. The for hastened to obey.

"Dog, transform." Sirius did so. Vernon punched him in the face.

"If you ever use a spell on me again I will tie you up and call the police, and make sure they know you can turn into a dog so you can't escape again." Vernon growled. Sirius glared, but nodded sullenly. The wedding prank didn't seem like such a good idea from where he was standing, well, slumping, anymore. He was just very glad Harry hadn't been forced to pay for his and James' sins. As soon as the thought crossed his mind, Sirius blanched. Vernon took that to mean he was suitably afraid, and grinned, but Sirius was realizing how badly Harry could have paid for his and James' past actions.

"Good, now change back and stay that way." Vernon tromped over to the couch and flopped down. "And why are you four down here? Get this stuff cleared up!" He was definitely in a bad mood.

"Um, we were wondering if we could knock out the wall between our rooms, dad." Dudley asked hesitantly. "There's really not enough space anymore."

"Absolutely not. We have no idea if that wall is load-bearing or not, and do you realize how expensive that would be?" Vernon snapped, stopping in the doorway to glare at Sirius.

"Aww, come on dad." Dudley said, pouting slightly.

"Um, Mr. Dursley?" Percy said from behind him, having been drawn by Vernon's treatment of Sirius. "I'm of age, and we covered construction spells last year in Charms. I could turn the wall into a large archway. That way it won't damage the house if it's load-bearing."

Vernon looked at Percy for a minute before nodding with a grunt. "Whatever. Go ahead then." Dudley, Harry, Fred, George, and Sirius, who they decided to call Grim, all made loud noises of good cheer. Percy, Vernon, and Petunia covered their ears.

The wall was quickly fixed, the living room cleared, and dinner well on its way to being prepared. Harry and the others wasted no time in continuing their planning, and behind the closed doors and curtains of the dual room Sirius took human form to help, though he stayed below the window line just to be safe.

°~~*~~*~~°

After breakfast one Saturday morning Petunia made an announcement that sent warning signals through all five boy's minds.

"I'm going out, and I'm taking Grim with me." She happily clipped a leash to Grim's collar as she spoke. "Oh, and we'll need to borrow your wand, Harry." She held out an imperious hand, and wore an almost evil smirk when he handed it over.

"Wonder what that's about?" George said as the front door closed behind the pair.

"No clue." Dudley replied, shaking his head and turning back to their work.

It was time for lunch when Petunia got back, a shaking grim pressed against her leg. She handed Harry his wand and walked around the house to close all the curtains. As soon as no one could see in Grim transformed into Sirius, and surprised the boys by bowing so low his forehead touched the floor, staying on his knees.

"I bow down to you, oh Queen of intimidation. Please, please never turn your wrath on me, and instead let me watch you tear down the fragile egos of pureblood princes and kings before they realize who they're speaking to, then watch their faces twist in horror and shame." Sirius stayed in his bow, and all five boys looked between him and Petunia with wide eyes.

"Um...what happened?" Harry asked after the silence had stretched too long.

"Your aunt is amazing!" Sirius sat up, a giant grin on his face. "So, we leave the house and she walks me to this dark alley. I think she's going to kill me or something, but she holds out your wand and says 'take me to Diagon Alley, dog', so I transform and take her, and transform back, and she pulls a robe, a _robe_, out of her handbag and puts it on, and then a _cloak_, and I didn't think that bag could even fit that much, and puts that on too with the hood up, and then she walks me straight into Knockturn Alley, _Knockturn Alley!_ And tells me quiet like to lead her wherever they sell wands, and everyone's already staring at her 'cause, you know, I look like a grim." He paused to give them a wolfish grin. "Anyways, we go into Schrodinger's Stuff, which is a second-hand store, and she just marches to the back and commands that the owner show her the wands he has. So he does, and she just starts handing them to me _in dog form_, like, I have to take them in my mouth, and the owner's looking at her like she's crazy, but it turns out I can still feel the magic, and there was one that actually really worked for me, so I huffed at her, and she goes 'good Grim', and the owner just pales like you wouldn't believe, and she buys the wand, and since when do you carry around wizarding money?" He addressed the question to Petunia, but didn't wait for a response.

"Anyways, we walk out, and who should we run across but Malfoy, and he tries to start something, and your aunt just tears him down without ever raising her voice. It was, like, the most amazing, awesome, absolutely fantastic thing I have ever seen, and before he can recover she's walked me past him, and then, guess what! Then she whispers that I should be a good boy and water the idiot to see if it'll grow a brain, but so he can hear, and I did have to go, so I got to leave dog-water on his nice, clean robes, then snap at him, and I think I got my eyes to glow because he got this absolutely terrified look on his face, wiped clean really quickly of course, and hustled away." Sirius paused for a breath, and pulled out a wand. "So now I have a wand, and can defend you even better, and I got to piss on Lucius Malfoy!"

"Mm. And you can go back to being a dog now." Petunia said. No one was surprised, given the story, when Sirius obeyed instantly.

°~~*~~*~~°

Over the next week Sirius got used to being a dog, and they discovered something rather fun. Harry, who had long since given up actually using his skateboard much, pulled it out of his trunk and started having Grim pull him, only the collar choked him so they picked up a dog harness. Within two days Harry had discovered his most favorite ever form of transportation, and spent as much time as he could working on coordination so that he didn't take a spill at high speeds. Dudley, too, enjoyed the 'Grim Ride', though he wasn't quite as good, and the Twins were downright awful at it. Still, it helped Sirius come to terms with staying in dog-form so much that he could still play with his godson and prankster friends.

In fact, Sirius started behaving so well that Petunia sent off an owl, only warning him when there was a knock on the door that he needed to behave or she would brain him with her cast-iron wok. Then she went to answer the door, and Professor Snape walked in. Of course, no one but her would ever know why it was a _good_ thing to have Professor Snape over, but apparently it was supposed to be.

"Uncle Severus!" Harry yelled from the table, work scattered around him.

"Rushing to get you summer work done, I see." Professor Snape said with a sneer.

"Of course not, silly!" Harry grinned, and both Snape and Grim realized at the same moment that he was a devil in a child-suit. "I'm trying to work out the formula for combining a time-delaying potion with a babbling beverage, and whether or not I can safely add tell-me-true to the draft without it being poisonous."

Snape turned to Petunia, a very blank look on his face. "Albus says he wants me to check over some dog or other for suitability and give it a defleaing potion?"

"Yes, the one under the table." Petunia smiled, looking between Severus and Grim, though Severus was the only one in the room who didn't understand her tight-lipped look of satisfaction as Grim started to whine deep in his throat. "Come on, Grim, say hello to Mr. Snape, and if you leave any presents I'll get you snipped before you leave for Hogwarts." Her face and tonation didn't change, and that probably made it worse, if the increase in Grim's whining was anything to go by.

"He seemed to actually understand that." Severus mused as Grim crawled out from under the table and walked over, tale tucked.

"Well, yes. He's actually quite intelligent. About on par with my late brother-in-law and his mangy friend, the black haired one, truth be told." The boys at the table made various sounds of mirth, and Grim got a decently offended look to stick on his canine features.

"Yes, well, Lupin will be teaching at Hogwarts this year." Severus said conversationally, reaching a hand down to let Grim sniff it. Grim, meanwhile, was staring at Severus, eyes wide with hope and something powerful and unidentifiable, though that could have been because of his form.

"You do know he's perfectly harmless, right? Even if your heart doesn't just yet?" Petunia asked, giving Grim a stern look. Grim sighed, sniffed Severus' hand, made a perplexed sound-face, and stepped forward to sniff at his robes and shoes.

"You must smell interesting, Professor." The Twins called, giant grins on their faces.

"Mm, yes, perfectly harmless, which is why I'm bound to silence." Severus growled.

"Right, boys, Professor Lupin is a werewolf omega, and a very DOWN GRIM!" She took a moment to snag a wooden spoon from the kitchen and shake it at him menacingly, he subsided, glaring at her. "And a very sweet man. He's perfectly harmless except when he's transformed, and I want you to look up everything you can about werewolves because, of anyone, you three might be able to help him, and owl Dudley too, to see if there's anything in the muggle world, okay? And put Percy under another unbreakable vow, if you would?" The twins grinned and dragged Percy away while Severus just stared at her.

"Wait, Lupin's an omega?" Severus asked after a minute as Harry got up and pulled Grim to the other side of the room.

"Couldn't you tell?" Petunia asked, looking at him as though he were a tad on the slow side.

"Can't say I was thinking much about that." Severus mused, making Petunia sigh.

"Indeed. If you think back you'll agree with me. Oh, wait, Grim, will he be a problem?" She turned to the dog, who cocked his head in confusion. Suddenly his eyes widened and he backed into the corner, whining rather piteously.

"Why on earth would Lupin be a problem?" Severus asked, reaching into his pocket and putting a small, capped potions vial with a whitish liquid on the table next to three pencils and a paperclip.

"Grim is both more and less than he appears to be." Petunia said with a shrug. "We'll think of something, I'm sure. Care to deflea him?"

"Right." Severus grabbed the vial and crouched, holding a hand out to Grim, whose whimpers had subsided.

"Go on." Harry tapped Grim's head, and the dog gave him a single, pleading look before slinking up to the potions master, seemingly torn between growling and crouching.

"Good boy." Severus said when Grim was close enough that his hand was on his head. Carefully, he uncapped the vial, letting the stopper hand on its chain, and pressed his finger to the opening, tipping the vial upside down to coat the pad before righting it. Still holding the vial in his left hand, he dug his un-potioned right fingers into the fur at the base of Grim's neck, and used them to bare the skin beneath before rubbing the potion into it.

Grim let out a hefty sigh when Severus removed his hand, and watched in fascination as he capped the vial and pulled another from his pocket, tipping some of the liquid inside into the palm of his left and and cleaning his right index finger in the small puddle before blowing on it and causing the entire mess to vanish.

"So enlighten me, why would Lupin's presence be a problem?" He asked, moving to Harry's vacated chair to peruse his work. He was the only person to not be mildly shocked when Grim padded over and settled with a huff at his feet.

"Werewolves and Grims don't get along very well." George said after a moment.

"Mm. That's not why." Severus smirked at the fidgeting boys.

"Swear to secrecy, or go without knowing." Dudley said, moving to stand in front of the Professor with his arms crossed. Everyone was surprised when Grim growled slightly at him.

And so Severus was sworn to secrecy, listened to the whole sorry tale, scoffed, watched Sirius transform, supplied veritaserum, heard the whole sorry tale again, sat back with a look of shock on his face, and stared.

"So why weren't you trying to bite my hand off?" He asked finally, staring at a subdued Sirius.

"Well, you see, at first I just didn't want to get hit by Petunia, lovely woman that she is, but, um, yousmellgood." Sirius transformed and hid behind Harry.

There was silence, most of the room staring at the large dog hiding behind the small boy. Because of where they were standing it even looked as though the somnolent television was staring at them, its unblinking stand-by light focused unerringly and unnervingly on the blushing, yes blushing, dog.

"Did he just say I smell good?" Severus asked.

"Yup!" Harry grinned. "Sure did, Uncle Sev!"

"I will poison you in your sleep if you call me that again." Severus growled. Grim growled at him, paused, whined in confusion, and retreated to curl up in the nearest corner.

"Well this is going to be a fun year." The Twins said. Severus and Grim groaned, then got down to planning how to bring Lupin around.

°~~*~~*~~°

The rest of the Weasleys returned to England two days before the kids were to leave for Hogwarts. Everyone, which is to say the Weasleys, Harry, Hermione, and Neville, met up in the Leaky Cauldron on August 31st. When they entered Harry was riding his skateboard, Grim pulling in his harness, the Twins had their arms slung happily around Percy, and Dudley was happy enough to wave everyone off, even though he'd miss them. After all, it had been a strange and hectic summer. They all had their trunks, and rented rooms, Harry in with Neville, Fred and George paired as always while Percy had to share with Ron, Hermione and Ginny doubled up, and the Weasley parents in their own silenced hide-away.

It was both unfortunate and irksome that Peter had been hiding from Crookshanks, as about half a minute after Harry entered the pub, Peter caught scent or sight of Grim and ran...straight out into muggle London. Ron, of course, threw an unholy fit, so the Twins took him aside and explained what they'd learned about Scabbers, how he was actually a person hiding from the law, a person who had given You-Know-Who the Potters' address. Ron didn't want to believe them, so they asked him if he wanted to hurt Harry by protecting the thing that got his parents killed. Ron paled. Harry, listening at the door, shook his head, wondering why they were being so very intense about it. Then again, he'd never been horribly close to Ron anyways. The boy was just too jealous.

As it was, Ron refused to talk to Harry or Hermione, not that either minded all that much. Hermione and Neville chatted about how Neville could apply his herbology skills to potions while Harry huddled with Gred and Forge, Grim at his feet.

The next morning they all gathered while the Weasley children (sans the Twins and Percy, so basically just Ron and Ginny) ran around trying to find things while everyone else had a calm breakfast and loaded their stuff into the Ministry cars. At the station Mr. Weasley pulled Harry aside, and started explaining about how Sirius Black was after him. Harry just grinned.

"Mr. Weasley, I know. It's why I've got Grim with me this year." He patted Grim's head, grinning even wider when Mr. Weasley winced a little at the dog. It was understandable, and he couldn't wait to get to divination with Grim in tow, though if what Fred and George said was true he'd have to levitate Grim into the classroom...and out again. "Now, I really do need to catch the train." He waved as he let Grim pull him to the train, easily jumping through the narrow doorway with his skateboard and whipping around the sharp corner to find the compartment they'd chosen.

It was going to be a fun year.


End file.
